 His legacy |
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Bluer skies ~ by Heather
Patrick always seemed to be very much at peace with his own mortality, and with the fact that his love of flying could bring his life to an early and abrupt end.
This song, "Blue" by Yoko Kanno, is the very last song of Patrick's favorite anime series, Cowboy Bebop. I had bought him the Cowboy Bebop Blue soundtrack for his last birthday, and he really liked this song. Later, reading the lyrics and listening to the song, I could understand why it migh have had a special appeal for him.
I believe it captures what his feelings were about death and specifically about death while flying. For those reasons, it appeals to me too. Because when I think about what happened to Patrick, I don't think about him crashing into the ground---rather, I think about him flying off into a much bluer sky.
Blue
Never seen a bluer sky...
Yeah, I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer...
There's something 'bout blue.
Asked myself what it's all for.
You know, the funny thing about it--
I couldn't answer.
No, I couldn't answer.
Now things have turned a deeper shade of blue,
and images that might be real, maybe illusion,
keep flashing off and on...
Free...
Wanna be free...
Gotta be free...
and move among the stars--
you know, they really aren't so far!
Feels so free...
Gotta know free...
Please...
Don't wake me from this dream--
It's really everything it seemed!
I'm so free...
No black and white in the blue.
Everything is clearer now...
Life is just a dream, you know,
that's never-ending...
I'm ascending...
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Living legacy ~ by Heather
Patrick wanted very much to become a father. His desire to have a child became most apparent, almost urgent, in his last two or three months. We both talked about what a wonderful living legacy we would both leave behind in our child(ren) and grandchild(ren).
As things happened, we were not able to establish that living legacy. A fact that has broken my heart and doubled my grief. But just because we didn't have a child doesn't mean that Patrick has not left behind a living legacy. Over the the last several days, I have been examining myself and my life, and it has occurred to me that I myself represent a living legacy for him in some ways...
I have taken on some of his strength.
Although I felt that my world had ended with Patrick's death, the world around me had continued spinning. Either I had to go with it or die of dizziness. The latter would have been so easy. But I couldn't take the easy way. I somehow had to get out into that world around me--and before I knew it, I had! Before I knew it, I had sought help from my local church and from my doctor. Those may not seem like difficult things, but for me, they took a lot of strength. Strength I didn't know I even had!
I have taken on some of his courage.
This past week, I faced one of my greatest fears: thunderstorms. One day, I stood at a large window and watched a great storm come over the city, right toward me. I looked at the lightning, I listened to the thunder, I felt the wind and the rain buffet the glass. A few days later, I walked from my library to the parking garage with lightning forking and thunder clapping right over my head. I was not afraid.
I have taken on some of his determination.
He never let life's obstacles cripple him, and I will not either. I will never fully overcome my grief, but I am taking positive steps to take control of, and improve my life. I am going to begin socializing again--I have joined a local social club for young professionals which will provide many opportunities to meet new friends and engage in various activities. I am also going to get back into music, something I've wanted to do for a long time--I will be joining SMU's faculty/staff choir next month. It's a start!
I have taken on some of his selflessness.
While I will always remain a rather introverted person, I have also taken a new interest in opening myself to others and giving. I have become a little more personable, pleasant, and polite toward random strangers--opening doors, engaging in small talk, saying "sir" and "ma'am." Little things he did, but rather large changes for me. I have donated small monetary gifts to various organizations when possible. I have a desire to volunteer my services somewhere, somehow--perhaps at my church's library, or at the local Humane Society or Habitats for Humanity.
I have taken on some of his pride.
He was a proud man, and rightly so. I also believe that he was proud of me--why else would he have chosen me to be his beloved? Therefore, I have decided to have greater pride in myself. My mother deserves much of the credit--she was the one who took me to the mall and bought me new dresses and a new haircut! But in choosing the dresses and the hairstyle, I was thinking of Patrick--since he can now see me all the time, he should have something good to look at! Each day this week, I have taken time and special care to dress well, do my hair and makeup, and look my very best. And there is no doubt that it has given me greater pride and confidence!
I have taken on some of his common sense.
It was always an amusing understanding between us that I lightened him up and he kept me grounded. While he probably no longer needs lightening up, I need grounding more than ever... and I am doing pretty well, if I should say so myself. I mind myself and my surroundings much more, such as when I am out by myself in public. Wherever I am now, I take a good look at every person who walks into a place, or drives up next to me. I also mind my finances much better. I treat myself to something special once a week--usually sushi and a dozen Krispy Kremes. But otherwise, I try to cook at home and not be lured into buying things I don't need.
I have taken on caring for his loved ones.
Not a day goes by when I don't think and pray for the loved ones he left behind: his father, his mother and step-father, his grandparents, his brother, his sister and brother-in-law, his nieces and nephews, his aunts and uncles and cousins, his friends. I wasn't able to form close relationships with some of them, but I was blessed to have known many of them. Not only that, but I have continued since his passing, to form some very strong, and indeed loving, bonds with some of them. These I cherish every bit as much as my strong and loving bonds with my own family and friends. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would have done the same with my friends and family, and I also know without a shadow of a doubt that all of my friends and family--both here and in Heaven--have been forming new bonds of their own with him!
I have made new friends of my own.
In my time of grief, I have found friends I might never have found otherwise. Naturally, I have formed friendships with other young people in my position--people who have lost the loves of their lives far, far too soon, people having to face uncertain and often lonely futures. It's been a great blessing, but it also reveals the greatest tragedy of the human condition--that so many people die without getting to live even half a life. I have met many other invaluable people, such as those at church, and especially my grief counselor. I say I have made these new friends, but I don't doubt for a moment that Patrick has had some hand in it!
I have renewed and revitalized my own lifelong relationships.
The most valuable lesson I have learned from Patrick's passing is that there is nothing--nothing--as important and as precious as the ones you love. And that the greatest sin of all is to take them for granted, to assume that they will be here a day, an hour, or even a minute from right now. I wish so greatly that I had realized these things while Patrick was here. But I am still blessed with family and friends with whom I can put these lessons to work. And I am doing my best. I have definitely felt a strengthening in my bonds with my parents, sister, old friends, and even pets. Last, but certainly not least, I have become closer with the Lord and all who dwell in His Heaven. Again, I say that these are things I have done, but I might not have if it weren't for Patrick.
I could write more and more and more... but what it all comes down to is that Patrick has taught me so much--nearly everything--of what I now know about life and love.
That is his legacy--and I intend to always do my best to keep it alive.
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Some songs he sang ~ by Heather
As I mentioned in another post, Patrick was quite a singer, and he was a terrific singer (despite what he said)! For the rest of my life, whenever I hear a song by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, or any of the other great crooners... I'm always going to be hearing Patrick's voice! Here are a few that he sang to me that really used to make me swoon... and still do! Ah, I think Patrick really belonged in a different era! ;)
Come Fly With Me
Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away.
If you can use some exotic booze,
there's a bar in far Bombay.
Come fly with me, we'll fly, we'll fly away.
Come fly with me, let's float down to Peru.
In llama land, there's a one man band,
and he'll toot his flute for you.
Come fly with me, we'll float down in the blue.
Once I get you up there,
where the air is rarefied,
we'll just glide, starry-eyed.
Once I get you up there,
I'll be holding you so near
you may hear angels cheer
because were together!
Weather-wise it's such a lovely day.
Just say the word, and we'll beat the birds
down to Acapulco Bay.
It's perfect, for a flying honeymoon, they say.
Come fly with me, we'll fly, we'll fly away!
Non Dimenticar
Non dimenticar means don't forget you are My Darling.
Don't forget to be
all you mean to me.
Non dimenticar, my love is like a star, My Darling.
Shining bright and clear
just because you're here.
Please do not forget that our lips have met,
and I've held you tight, Dear.
Was it dreams ago my heart felt this glow--
or only just tonight, Dear?
Non dimenticar, although you travel far, My Darling.
It's my heart you own, so I'll wait alone...
Non dimenticar.
Innamorata
If our lips should meet, Innamorata,
kiss me, kiss me sweet, Innamorata.
Hold me close and say you're mine,
with a love as warm as wine.
I'm at Heaven's door, Innamorata.
Want you more and more, Innamorata.
You're a symphony,
a very beautiful sonata,
My Innamorata.
Say that you're my sweetheart, my love.
You're a symphony,
a very beautiful sonata,
My Innamorata.
Say that you're my sweetheart,
my one and only sweetheart.
Say that you're my sweetheart, my love.
Hit the road to Dreamland
Bye bye, Baby, time to hit the road to Dreamland.
You're my Baby, dig you in the Land of Nod.
Hold tight, Baby, we'll be swinging up in Dreamland,
all night Baby, where the little cherubs trot.
Look at that knocked-out moon--
You been a-blowing his top in the blue!
Never saw the likes of you--
what an angel!
Bye bye, Baby, time to hit the road to Dreamland.
Don't cry, Baby, it was divine, but the rooster has finally crowed...
Time to hit the road!
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